Conversation between two mobile users. One female and the other, male.
BABE: R u gay?
BABE: Well I…
GUY: Well, wat?
BABE: D last tym I was at ur place, u rebuffed all my advances n its not d 1st time.
GUY: Oh dat…
BABE: Seriously r u gay? No guy has done dat 2me…
GUY: Oh, beliv me ur sexy! But its not u, it’s me. I’m….celibate.
According to Harris Interactive for the Durex condom company in 2012, 53% of Nigerians have sex at least once a week. It means that more than half of the people you see walking on the street are going to have or have had sex this week at least once. The statistics continue, stating that men claim to have sex 66.5 times a year over women’s 57.2 times, that means men have sex 16% more times than women.
Another study based on secondary data analysis by the 2003 Nigeria Demographic and Health Survey male dataset claims that 71.2% of middle-aged men in Nigeria are sexually active, excluding teenagers and men below thirty. The study also stated that 30% of sexually active men have multiple sex partners. Please remember that this was only in 2003.
Now, back to Durex. Their research goes on to say that Nigeria has 67% sexual satisfaction rate, the highest in the world. So, I guess I am safe to say that if the statistics are anything to go by, a good number of Nigerian men have sex a lot and enjoy having it.
Note: This is not a gender debate. I noticeably didn’t include the women’s statistics.
With all my scouring of the net, I still did not get a conclusive report on the true statistics of men who have sex but they’re not my topic of discussion. Today, I am concentrating on unmarried men who have chosen not to have sex. Now, the big question is why on earth would a man choose not to have sex? I believe my tone echoes some people’s thoughts at this moment but I want us to pause for a second and consider this issue critically.
It is generally believed and proven even by the dumbest person on earth that men are visually stimulated. They see, they go for it! It’s as simple as that. Another statistic that I’m still not agreeing with but is out there states that the average man thinks of sex every fifty (52) seconds when his mind is idle. To break it down, the average man’s thinking faculty reboots almost every minute to narrow down on sex unless something else occupies his mind.
Just the other day, a friend was trying to tell me something when some half-dressed girl on TV caught his attention and he lost concentration. This was our conversation.
FRIEND: Ha-ahn! (eyes glued to the TV)
ME: What is ha-ahn?
FRIEND: What is wrong with her? Why is she shamelessly shaking her breasts like that?
ME: Forget her. What were you about to tell me?
FRIEND: Er…I can’t remember. Why was she doing that?
That’s a typical man for you. You want to get his attention, visually stimulate him. And that is why many music videos, movies, ads, magazine, websites are into the sex-selling business these days. Even though women are beginning to get the drift and are having their own fill of lust of the eyes, it all began with men. Hate it or like it, it’s just what happens today. But does that mean that men today cannot hold themselves and keep sex out of the picture until they get married?
I’ll leave that question for you to answer. It is one of the toughest debates out there. I have met many men and women who hold that unmarried men today cannot do without sex. To them, a man who simply says no to sex is obviously abnormal and the conclusion is that he cannot perform.
Then on the opposing end, you have those who believe men can absolutely live without sex. Medical doctors and psychologists have proven that it is very possible for men to remain celibate their entire lives without contracting some fatal medical issue (like testicles exploding) or some mental or psychological block. There may be issues regarding self-confidence and social interaction, depending on the environment that person lives in, but the implications are not far-reaching.
Today, we have men out there, albeit few, that have chosen not to have sex. Most of them are doing so for religious reasons, vowing to keep their bodies pure for God and for their future wives. These are men that have chosen their faith first and attained a level that sex, as important as it is in a relationship, is just one of those things they can be put in the backseat with the hope of getting the best out of when the right time comes. It is a conscious decision they did not just drift into. Such men have trained themselves, both body and mind to remain chaste. It is not for everyone. And to buttress this from the Bible: We have King David who was a man after God’s heart, but was in no way chaste as Apostle Paul.
Another group of men that maintain celibacy do so because sex means profound intimacy to them, and if they cannot bond with a woman on an emotional level, they see no reason why they should have sex with her. They shy away from casual flings and one-night stands and abhor the idea that they have to sleep with someone just because they are sexually attractive to them or because the everyone is doing it. Different whys and wherefores drive them into their decisions. For some, they have been badly burned by an ex or exes in the past and are not ready to go down that road again; for others, it comes with maturity and the need to settle down with just one person; another case might be that a past promiscuous life left a bad taste that propelled them into completely rejecting sex; or it could just be strong moral values that have nothing to do with religion.
The third group of men that choose celibacy as a lifestyle use health as their reason. Okay, what about condoms? Is it not okay to use them? The answer from these men is no! They like to go au natural, ‘skin to skin’. They don’t believe in using condoms and would have sex with only women they are 100% sure are clean. Abstinence to them is the most effective method to prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancies.
The fourth group is men who have been sexually abused before. Like women, men are also get abused; in fact, it happens more often than anyone will know because men don’t like to talk about it. It is difficult enough for a woman to share a rape experience, much less a man. Most times it happens in childhood but there are a few cases of men being abused by other men or women in their adult age. This experience can be traumatic for any man even if he’s a mixed breed of Van Damme and Iron Mike. The experience can ultimately stop a man from wanting to be intimate with anyone.
For the fifth group of men, celibacy is an empowering move. It gives them a remarkable amount of mind and emotional space that sexual activity usually consumes. Men in this group are mostly very busy and don’t have time for pleasures that would stand as distractions to their businesses. Therefore, since they are hardly available, they decide not to dwell on sex as a top priority. To them, it is a matter of time and energy and sex at that point is not just worth the stress. Apart from celibacy giving them time to concentrate on work and other important issues on their table, it gives them full control over the opposite sex. The power, for some of these men is not in their celibacy, per se, it is in the control they have over the women around them. They would rather remain in abstinence than lose all that.
Finally, to the last group of men who do not like to have sex. Notice my use of language here. They do not like sex. They are not gay. They wake up every morning with a woody. They do not have some debilitating disease. They are not mentally ill. They don’t have weird sexual fetishes like sleeping with trees or dead bodies and stuff. They are not besotted to some mermaid wife. Nobody cursed them. They just hate sex! I am yet to find one person in this category but surprisingly, there are. If you are, please and please, contact me. I would love to write a story about you. On my part, I do believe that there is no smoke without fire and something no one’s seeing propels men in this category to bolt from sexual interaction. Whatever their reasons are, I’m certain it’s understandable.
To conclude, celibate men will always tell you that they have the highest number of women desiring them, trying to seduce them into changing their minds. They will also tell you that the road to abstention is rough and lonely. People often make fun of them and call them names but the truth is they are highly envied by most. Celibacy is not a bad thing and for those who have trained themselves till it becomes their way of life, they totally enjoy it. One thing most people find hard to accept these days is that life is not all about sex, and with videos and ads and movies and websites shoving the idea in our faces, the concept of celibacy may never catch on and may eventually wear off. Yet, there always remains a faction of people who will always uphold that way of life. Well, to them that live by it, kudos!
As for those who don’t, the message of playing safe never grows old.